“Fight or Flight”

 

Sometimes, when I am in a battle for something I waver between pressing in and running in the opposite direction. Then, the battle becomes about fighting or running and not about the actual issue at stake. I was thinking about this in my prayer time one day and really asking God what that is in me that wants to run for the hills when it gets difficult. I began to remember my battle with infertility. I wanted children, not just any children, I wanted God to open my womb and give me children from my womb. Every Doctor's report said that it was unlikely and even with all of our current technology the report was that I had a 20% chance of conceiving and an unknown ability if I could ever carry to term. Sounds grim, I know. But there was something in me that was not going to back down in believing God for my desire. No matter how many bad reports, miscarriages, bad doctors, bad comments made by good friends, etc, I was still going to trust God. Why? Because the desire to see God answer me in this specific way was so great that running no longer became an option! Don't get me wrong, it was a journey to get to this point. Now, in my current battle and the question I am asking myself and God: what is it in me that wants to run? Simply, I need to let the vision that God has placed in my heart sink down to the point that running is no longer an option!

 

In my current battle I am pressing in for God to use my life to a greater degree, that the gifts He has given me would flourish and that more people could be touched by Him in my life. Sounds like a nice desire. However, I find myself wavering between "Yes, God!" and "forget it, get me out of here," thus, the issue that began this questioning. As I was listening to the Holy Spirit and remembering certain aspects of previous battles it became clear; the desire to see God move through my life needs to become greater. I would have never given up on the idea of having children, not for one second! Why would I give up on any other desire that God has placed in me? There were many frustrations and painful moments throughout the infertility battle but the desire and push never changed. The frustrations of this or any battle should not be enough to cause my push to change. I will continue to press in and allow the desire that God has placed in my heart to grow and I will continue to press in and see God show up in my life! Running is no longer an option!